This was my mistake.....

Sometimes you meet a guy thinking you'll be with him forever,but it doesn't happen....And you must realize it's for the best.I now understand why God has rules for us....God told me to break up with my ex boyfriend.It was the hardest thing i ever had to do within my walk with christ.But i did it.And that was the most honoring,obedient,thing ive ever had to do.I've stuck with my decision to stay away from my ex.I was mentally and emotionally abused by him.Constantly.I finally realized he was never going to change,and thats how he will always be.I feel sorry for the next girl.If there is a next girl for him.haha.Thru all the hell i went thru.I am now free to run with God.God knows im an experience learner type of person and i believe this is why he allowed me to experience all of this....He knew id be growing and that i'd learn some lessons.Which i definitely have. God can hold my heart in a way that humans can not.I have been forced to face God because i had no one else to run to at times.Which was GREAT!Because i really experienced how i used to a few years ago.So it was awesome.God is my focus from now on :-)

Just whip it....willlow smith.This little girl can sing!foreal!

This is just a website for me to express myself.

Yes.....this is just a website for me to express myself.
I'm finally at peace within my life.No more over exagerating my problems.Because God brings peace and no matter what problems may occur in my life,I know that God will always help me.I started reading Joyce Meyers book "Power Thoughts".It has helped me to become a more positive person.I dont let things get to me anymore :-) its great :-) Just thought i'd put a tiny update since its been FOREVER since i wrote anything.hahah yeah....blogspot is not my favoritest of sites because for one.None of my friends even really have one.Its just mainly a place for me to talk about my life.hahaha.

Friends...

I know life isn't fair.

I'm tired of being such a great friend to people and then getting backstabbed.

I know know ones perfect,but after so many times it gets old.

I'm tired of being completely honest with everyone and then they are not honest with me.

I'm sick of doing things for people and then them not being appreciative or returning the favor.

I'm tired of being there for ppl to most possible extent that i can but then if i need someone;no ones there for me.

I'm tired of losing all these people for no apparent reason.

Maybe theres a reason people treat me the way they do.

Maybe they dont realize.

But when i tell them how i feel honestly straight to there face.They deny everything and believe they're right.

I'm not going to stop serving people the way i do...just because they treat me poorly...

but after a while it gets old...of being treated like crapt...and not like a friend should be treated.

How's come i make so much time for other people but no one ever makes time for me.

I'm a good friend.So why am i losing so many people?

Why does is it that no one cares anymore?

I only have about 5 people in this world that i can honestly say that are my true friends.

What happened to the type of friends you spent everyday with,told everything to,and who just knew you for who you are.Someone that doesnt leave and is encouraging.

It's alright that i want to be loved and have friends.

But honestly......it's so frustrating to be there for people so much and be an amazing friend and then be ditched on,lied to,backstabbed...ect.

It sucks.

I feel alone in a way.

Words cannot even express how i feel these days.

Maybe i dont need alot of friends?

Maybe i dont need close friends?

Maybe i just need myself and God?

Maybe the people that are in my life never were friends?

Maybe life isn't about friendships.

Maybe this is all wrong....pretty sure it is.

I'll never know the exact reasons of why friendships always end.

My worlds been rocked....in a bad way.

Life these days.....it keeps getting harder.The more struggles that arise in my life....the less people there are here to encouarage me and let me cry in there arms for comfort.I have the knowledge of the right things to do...but when i go to do them something goes wrong.I'm not sure what...When i turn to jesus....i get nothing from him.He's deff working in my life...but i have no passion to dig into the word.I WANT TO GET BACK INTO GODS WORD...but its so hard.And i have no idea why.Maybe its because everything around me is falling apart.I know theres hope...it's just very hard to find at the moment.I have no idea what im supposed to do...I'm so confused.All i do is cry...i come off to people as the depressed one or woe is me...(Or is that a lie from satan?heck....ive been told that...)The emotional ups and downs make my life seem unstable and that i am insane....but truth is;im really sane.Life just gets hard.I can't comprehend any of it.All i know is God will help in his time and its for my good.He took away a friend today....i guess you could say im free now...I wont be held down anymore.Why can't i keep myself encouraged.Is it really that hard???How could i be sooo very close to God and now it feels like im...a stranger...God knows how much i desire him.God,why is my life the way it is right now???I dont understand how i could run to your word,listen for you....and all i get is nothing...I let my emotions completely wreck my life....i let them overtake my mind and combine with satans lies...and i guess thats when im like...dang...i cant get anything from gods word while holding the bible open in my hands....Where is god like he used to be??I need god.I need comfort.I need encouraging friends.I need a life full of christianity again.I need a full life.Like i had....Wheres the passion?I'm being selfish...part of me wants to be all grown up.do what i want...even though...their not the godliest things..I try to spend time with god...idk what im missing.Only god knows where im headed.I just want answers.I'm trying to have patience but its not working out so well for me...God....i know you still here me...i know you still see me...i know you have caught all those tears...Am i doing something wrong God?Or....do i have to doubt you?do i have to run to other things?Do i have to be alone?do i have to live loike this?No....Well then where are these answers....there in the bible...i know they are.....God...idk how you can be so patient with me...and still love me...my emotions....are like an elevator.Up down up down up down...I need you God....I'm tired of crying...Tears get me no where.but nothing else seems to help either.idk what i need but i know i need soemthing.Something is missing.I want to fully seek God with my whole heart...but hoenstly...These days...idk where to start anymore..and i keep wondering if anything is ever going to change....Idk how i got to this stage....but God bring me out of it..because i DO NOT want to stay here...and i know you dont want me to either.

Have you ever seen an inch worm!!!!????

Okay....So Nichole and i were taking a walk and talking when i saw this bug rise....and i was like WOAHHHH what is that!!!???Nichole said "it's an inch worm."....btw: i had never seen anything like it in my life so i HAD to record it :-) haha.

I didn't know where i stood...but i need help in order to stand.

sam,me,and charaee

The awesome game of ninja!

Amazing people i will never foreget!

Do you ever sit and wonder why your struggling so much to live for christ?And continuously beat yourself up about it..This has all been on my mind lately.Last week i went to a camp called timber wolf lake;its affiliated with Younglife.It's an amazing camp,full of encouragement,fun,friends,and laughter.I cried when i had to leave because i knew coming home would be a struggle.I'd fall back into desires that i don't want to fall back into.Well i have been home so far,but have not fallen into desires..atleast not yet.Hopefully i wont at all.We'll see. :)

At camp i learned that i need to fully trust God with my future,that i need to fully live for God by being obedient, and to know that God knows my heart FULLY..God knows that i DO NOT want to have the sinful desires i had before i came to camp.....By going to camp...i was encouraged a bit...and i really needed that...and some reminders.At camp during cabin time...I got holy spirit laughter.all the girls looked at me like i was nuts...bc everyone was crying over the message that had just impacted them. I explained to the girls that holy spirit laughter is a form of healing from God.And i apologized for laughing while everyone else was crying but i know i couldnt control it haha.but it was how God wanted me healed!!!AND IT WAS AMAZING!!!I COMPLETELY NEEDED IT!!! :-) i couldnt stop smiling after it!!!haha.it was soo good.i was SOO SMILEY ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!! :-) God works in very mysterious ways. :)

Going back to camp was entirely different though.I came being a christian unlike before....My veiws of things were sooo different..and honestly once i got there...i didn't want to be a camper...i wanted to SERVE!!!!! :-) God's been speaking to my heart recently that i need to go back next summer and serve for a month....or go to a camp in another country to serve!!!Which would be so awesome! :-) and btw:We played an awesome game called ninja at camp!!!Super fun! :-) I MISS AND LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!! :-)

No one understands.Is there hope of reassurance?

My whole life is changing before my very eyes... I have no ability to turn it around.Only God is in control.But in some ways i feel that God has fallen out of my life,though i know he's still there....I'm longing a love that i can't seem to have as much as i desire it....Just for someone to Care.This should be coming from God.But i don't feel it or see it.Maybe it's not supposed to be felt or seen...I'm not sure anymore....All i know is i need someone by my side,some support,some encouragement.I have no one to rely on in life it seems.I start to rely on ppl that mean alot to me,but you and i both know ppl fail.I guess i have this strong urge to help ppl and be there for ppl know matter what,no matter when.Maybe no one has this passion like i do.Maybe God can only understand this.No one except God understands what i deal with,how i feel,what i want,and what i can't have.Inside i feel empty.I can't explain this unbearable feeling.It's awful... I find comfort in music...without music..idk how I'd live.but somehow even lately its like i cant even connect with god thru music.(I will write more later....i must get ready for 212;the new youthgroup i go to.)