My worlds been rocked....in a bad way.

Life these days.....it keeps getting harder.The more struggles that arise in my life....the less people there are here to encouarage me and let me cry in there arms for comfort.I have the knowledge of the right things to do...but when i go to do them something goes wrong.I'm not sure what...When i turn to jesus....i get nothing from him.He's deff working in my life...but i have no passion to dig into the word.I WANT TO GET BACK INTO GODS WORD...but its so hard.And i have no idea why.Maybe its because everything around me is falling apart.I know theres hope...it's just very hard to find at the moment.I have no idea what im supposed to do...I'm so confused.All i do is cry...i come off to people as the depressed one or woe is me...(Or is that a lie from satan?heck....ive been told that...)The emotional ups and downs make my life seem unstable and that i am insane....but truth is;im really sane.Life just gets hard.I can't comprehend any of it.All i know is God will help in his time and its for my good.He took away a friend today....i guess you could say im free now...I wont be held down anymore.Why can't i keep myself encouraged.Is it really that hard???How could i be sooo very close to God and now it feels like im...a stranger...God knows how much i desire him.God,why is my life the way it is right now???I dont understand how i could run to your word,listen for you....and all i get is nothing...I let my emotions completely wreck my life....i let them overtake my mind and combine with satans lies...and i guess thats when im like...dang...i cant get anything from gods word while holding the bible open in my hands....Where is god like he used to be??I need god.I need comfort.I need encouraging friends.I need a life full of christianity again.I need a full life.Like i had....Wheres the passion?I'm being selfish...part of me wants to be all grown up.do what i want...even though...their not the godliest things..I try to spend time with god...idk what im missing.Only god knows where im headed.I just want answers.I'm trying to have patience but its not working out so well for me...God....i know you still here me...i know you still see me...i know you have caught all those tears...Am i doing something wrong God?Or....do i have to doubt you?do i have to run to other things?Do i have to be alone?do i have to live loike this?No....Well then where are these answers....there in the bible...i know they are.....God...idk how you can be so patient with me...and still love me...my emotions....are like an elevator.Up down up down up down...I need you God....I'm tired of crying...Tears get me no where.but nothing else seems to help either.idk what i need but i know i need soemthing.Something is missing.I want to fully seek God with my whole heart...but hoenstly...These days...idk where to start anymore..and i keep wondering if anything is ever going to change....Idk how i got to this stage....but God bring me out of it..because i DO NOT want to stay here...and i know you dont want me to either.

Have you ever seen an inch worm!!!!????

Okay....So Nichole and i were taking a walk and talking when i saw this bug rise....and i was like WOAHHHH what is that!!!???Nichole said "it's an inch worm."....btw: i had never seen anything like it in my life so i HAD to record it :-) haha.

I didn't know where i stood...but i need help in order to stand.

sam,me,and charaee

The awesome game of ninja!

Amazing people i will never foreget!

Do you ever sit and wonder why your struggling so much to live for christ?And continuously beat yourself up about it..This has all been on my mind lately.Last week i went to a camp called timber wolf lake;its affiliated with Younglife.It's an amazing camp,full of encouragement,fun,friends,and laughter.I cried when i had to leave because i knew coming home would be a struggle.I'd fall back into desires that i don't want to fall back into.Well i have been home so far,but have not fallen into desires..atleast not yet.Hopefully i wont at all.We'll see. :)

At camp i learned that i need to fully trust God with my future,that i need to fully live for God by being obedient, and to know that God knows my heart FULLY..God knows that i DO NOT want to have the sinful desires i had before i came to camp.....By going to camp...i was encouraged a bit...and i really needed that...and some reminders.At camp during cabin time...I got holy spirit laughter.all the girls looked at me like i was nuts...bc everyone was crying over the message that had just impacted them. I explained to the girls that holy spirit laughter is a form of healing from God.And i apologized for laughing while everyone else was crying but i know i couldnt control it haha.but it was how God wanted me healed!!!AND IT WAS AMAZING!!!I COMPLETELY NEEDED IT!!! :-) i couldnt stop smiling after it!!!haha.it was soo good.i was SOO SMILEY ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!! :-) God works in very mysterious ways. :)

Going back to camp was entirely different though.I came being a christian unlike before....My veiws of things were sooo different..and honestly once i got there...i didn't want to be a camper...i wanted to SERVE!!!!! :-) God's been speaking to my heart recently that i need to go back next summer and serve for a month....or go to a camp in another country to serve!!!Which would be so awesome! :-) and btw:We played an awesome game called ninja at camp!!!Super fun! :-) I MISS AND LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!! :-)