Just for God.

I messed up quite a bit,haha...sorry about that.but I have been writing quite a few songs lately.

1)Still hope 2)Beautiful Fight 3)Stay Alive 4)Following the Great Love. (feat:Gabby.)

Stay Alive and Following the Great Love are still being worked on.

It's been a while.....

In August....I went to a Theophostics group at Vineyard.It did not go well at all.I chose not to go back.It just made me feel worse....Then for a couple weeks i felt VERY tempted...I was about to give up EVERYTHING with the mind set "I don't care,I am just going to go out and have sex.I just don't care anymore..."....I was believing MANY of satans horrible lies.....I let them all get to me.Then well....i didn't do anything physical but i did make another mistake.I was so weak.I was DOING EVERYTHING I COULD.I kept talking and praying to god for strength and he randomly handed it to me one night.It was SO awesome.I asked God to hold my hand and he did....i could just feel it...i was listening to the song "i need you" by david crowder band.and then i sat up and God gave me this quick image of me in a box...I was trapped....and i was looking for a way out..and very confused....but at the same time he was holding my hand...and he said to me "You can't get out of the box Until you listen to me." i then felt this HUGE BURST of refreshment inside of me and strength...I felt renewed and SO GOOD!!!!!oh it was amazing.Then he told me that he was right there with me and that he wasnt gonna leave me.and he said "I'M HERE FOR YOU"(bc i have been so alone and i rely on other people alot....)I started to do well then....I then decided it was time for a purity ring.So i just decided that the one that my dad gave me for christmas my freshman year would be my purity ring since i have no money to go buy one.so now I have a purity ring.A friend asked me the other day..."What does your purity ring mean to you?"...at first i just laughed and was like idk....so it really made me think...what does it mean to me....so i thought about it.I just keep feeling like it doesnt meant anything....i feel that it would have been more special as a purity ring if i wouldnt have already lost my virginity.The ring has 2dimonds,a pink heart,and then 2 more dimonds....The heart reminds me that I still have a heart for jesus....and that a man should PROTECT my heart...not destroy it.The dimonds stand for me as a treasure...I'm god's special jewel.And that if i obey him i can shine just like them.It's wearing it kinda...but i try to remind myself that i am renewed,and that i belong to christ...I NEED TO GET THE STRONG THOUGHT IN MY HEAD that being the hands and feet of jesus mean sooooooooo much....i belong to him!!!I don't even own me....i was made in the image of Jesus.....and that i was bought at a price and that he loves me!!!and that i hurt him when i hurt myself by doing those things...and that...well the world does not know him bc they dont see him...the only way they can see him is thru me and other christians...How will people know!?....It's just so hard...Lately I've been letting the rapist get to me....bc of all the girls he's with....in a way im jealous...idk why....(i mean i had a relationship with him at one point...but idk...i really did love him....but not for the right reasons..)i know i cant go back with him...hes HORRIBLE and i deserve better.The desire in my heart is to be with a christian man someday....but sometimes it just seems hopeless and then i feel called to be single forever....idk...i have SO many mixed feelings again.maybe i need to write a list of what i deserve.(should do that.)Lately my motivation is dead..its like oh jesus....usually im like SO PUMPED FOR JESUS AND IM GOD HAPPY...i gotta stop basing things on feelings too...bc they are just feelings..
I know that i will always need encouragement from other people...but I WANT THE MAJORITY OF IT FROM GOD!!!I know i can't rely on no one else and he is the only one who can save me.I'm just really struggling...i can feel myself spiritually dying....its SO WEIRD AND HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!.....I CANT STAND THIS!!!!I dont know what to do...it upsets me...but its like i dont have enough strength to pick myself up and motivate me to read my bible,journal....
Irritating...

but I am Healed...I've learned that there will always be something that reminds me of him....that maybe upset me...but i just gotta keep telling myself that it was a time when god helped me in my life. :-) Anyone reading this...Please Pray for my spirtual life..I really need it.

survived....

So last week School started....It actually went alright.I saw his face and i didn't freak out!!!I was SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!Those flashbacks still occur when i am sitting in class,but this year....it will be okay hopefully.I'm doing well so far.Theophostics did not go so well....it was kind of a disaster.... :( I have decided i am not going back.I'm not really sure where im going or what im doing from here.....im just kinda confused in my own little world,contradicting myself between giving up and still having hope.I may say i want to give up...but i never really want to....GOD'S HOPE IS ALWAYS INSIDE OF ME,It never dies!!!!!seriously.....I have no idea what keeps me going....but i keep going...even when i feel like giving up.I made it through the first week of school though!!!!I ended up writing this short but awesome song called still hope :-)

Tears Tears Tears...Time to let go....

These tears....They have been falling from my face all day today.Two paralell lines of clear liquid,they're wet,at the same pace they stream down the curve of my cheeks,til they fall from my chin into my lap.Today has been one of those days where i feel like giving up,but i know i can't.I know I'm constantly either knowing/talking about how God can help me or talk about giving up.I realize i do this alot....it's just that things get so hard sometimes,that i WANT TO GIVE UP but I KNOW THAT I CAN'T GIVE UP!God has provided many people for me to talk to,but the majority let me down....But this school year....i feel like i will have no one...It scares me....I blow up like a blowfish if i hold all my emotions in and am not able to talk things out.I run to god,but i know i need to run STRAIGHT TO GOD,FULLY,and maybe ONLY to him....it's just hard sometimes.Lazyness and lies set in me...and i feel like giving up.It's an on and off thing.....I'm sick of satan trying to steal my recovery.There's a huge battle inside me.

When i feel like giving up..... 1)I wanna go out and mess around with guys(because i feel like it's too late for me bc of the rape....but i know it's not) 2)I wanna cut. 3)I wanna just talk to someone....when i have no to talk to...except God...and then i get irritated.It's just so hard to run to god first and fully.I used to be able to do it....but now it's like i can't...idk why....I wanna know why....

Tonight i was sitting on my bed crying,,lifting my hands to God.I want him to take EVERYTHING...all these temptations in wanting to give up.I KNOW I CAN'T GIVE UP!!!!I REFUSE TO!!!NO MATTER WHAT I SAY!!!!!I'm trying to fight this....

God-I want you to take all this temptation away from me.I don't want to be sexally tempted....or tempted to cut,or to want to give up.....help me to flee.Lord,I want to be obedient.Lord please provide this year and help me to know that i am not alone.Help me to know that what i feel is only feelings but your truth is the truth and permanent,feelings are only temporary...This is only a season of my life.You have rescued me before,provided for me,and loved me in the past.Help me to trust that you will do that same in everything that is to come this year.I am scared and lord i do not want to fear what's to come.I want to be able to face what's in front of me knowing that you are GOD!The one who SAVES!PROVIDES!LOVES!SPEAKS TO AND THRU! other people!!God i love you....and i know i want to give up alot...you understand why i feel that way alot....You know that you have provided me with people.No one will be leading me.You will be leading me.Help me to just RUN TO YOU!!!!I want to have a strong relatioinship this year,because i feel like i need to dig more into your word and focus on it,if i dont...im afraid i wont make it thru this year....Lord,please save me from my feelings and the lies from satan.Only you can save me.Amen.

I need words.As wide as sky.I need language.large as This longing inside.And I need a voice.Bigger than mine.And I need a song.to sing You.That I've yet to find.I need You, Oh, I need You.I need You, Oh, I need You.To be here now.To be here now.To hear me now.To hear me now.-David Crowder Band.

When clouds veil sun And disaster comes Oh, my soul Oh, my soul When waters rise And hope takes flight Oh, my soul Oh, my soul Oh, my soul Ever faithful Ever true You I know You never let go You never let go You never let go You never let go When clouds brought rain And disaster came Oh, my soul Oh, my soul When waters rose And hope had flown Oh, my soul Oh, my soul Oh, my soul Oh, my soul Overflows Oh, what love, oh, what love Oh, my soul Fills hope Perfect love that never lets go Oh, what love, oh, what love Oh, what love, oh, what love In joy and pain In sun and rain You're the same Oh, You never let go-David Crowder Band.

People change and plans get changed and.Everything changes but You.Everybody moves around and Everything gets pushed around but You.You always stay the same, stay the sameI want to finish last,Last in the world's eyes.No matter what I do.I will be first in your eyes.I am running in this race and.I am pressing onwards towards the finish lineYou have promised me a better life.Far beyond this world,far beyond this place and time-Stellar kart

She never slows downShe doesn't know why but.she knows that when.She's all alone feelsLike it's all coming down.She won't turn around The shadows are long And she fears if she criesThat first tear The tears will not stop Raining down So stand in the rain Stand your ground.Stand up when it's all crashing down.You stand through the pain You won't drown.And one day what's lost can be found.You stand in the rain.She won't make a sound.Alone in this fight with herself.And the fears whispering.If she stands, she'll fall downShe wants to be found butThe only way out is through everything she's running from Wants to give up and lie downSo stand in the rain.Stand your ground.Stand up when it's all crashing down.You stand through the pain You won't drown.And one day what's lost can be found.You stand in the rain.So stand in the rain.Stand your ground.Stand up when it's all crashing down.Stand through the pain You won't drown.And one day what's lost can be found.So stand in the rain.Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down.You stand through the pain.You won't drown And one day what's lost can be found.You stand in the rain-Superchick

God,I need you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ywg6MZtrsQ

I need words.As wide as sky.I need language.large as This longing inside.And I need a voice.Bigger than mine.And I need a song.to sing You.That I've yet to find.I need You, Oh, I need You.I need You, Oh, I need You.To be here now.To be here now.To hear me now.To hear me now.-David Crowder Band.

I was just thinking....I wish i could take back being raped;but i can't.....then i was thinking about how God sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins.Jesus made a huge sacrifice.Do you think he'd want to take back what dying on the cross?I'm thinking he wouldn't.Jesus knows we didn't deserve it,but he did it because he was obedient to his father and because he loves us.Ya know jesus had to give his life for us just to be obedient to his father.All we have to do is stop doing sinful things and live for jesus to be obedient to God.-We got off easy.Or did we?Dropping everything to live for God is not easy,because we are such sinful creatures.He gave it all away for us,so we have to give it all away for him,except he died physically and we get to live physically while we put to death our old self.All because of love.Love changes everything.If Jesus doesn't wanna take back dying on the cross then why should i want to take back being raped.What he did,turned out to be good and what happened to me will turn out good too.

so many thoughts are going through my head right now....it's blowing my mind.I'm getting down to the VERY aspect of things.Taking a new perspective and in it being deep about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Bgf54G-FE&feature=player_embedded

Back to healing

I'm not going to tell my whole story on my blog unless someone really needs to hear it because SO MUCH happened spiritually,phsycially,mentally,emotionally,that it would take a very long amount of time to explain.The main purpose of this blog is to write about how i am Recovering NOW.If you would like to know about the rape,i would be more than happy to share,but i will not until a request would be made.During the school year in May 2009,i was having a really hard time dealing with the rape.I thought I would never heal,but during the end of May and thru out the summer i have healed incredibly with God.It was a rough summer.I barely had any accountability,but through that God was teaching me that i will not always have someone to keep me accountable/give me advice and that i have to learn to run straight to him.It was hard,but i ran to him with arms wide open mainly because i had NO ONE else to go to,and i knew i could trust him.During the summer i healed to an amount that i was satisfied with,and just tried to push the rest aside.I then went on a missions trip to Cincinatti,Ohio called SOS,where we were asked to share the hardest thing we had ever been thru in our lives.I wasn't going to lie or pick something that wasnt really the hardes thing i have ever been thru...so i told my story to a group of people during an exercise we did called Being the difference.All the people in my group were strangers except for one girl that came from the Vineyard youth group who i have known since Junior high.Our group leaders name was Bridgette.When i told my story...I started to cry...the girl I've known since junior high put her arm around me and just held me.(i didn't expect her to do that...she is really popular at school and im not..and idk..I just never thought her and i would ever talk.)...as she held me...bridgette went and got me some tissues.As i continued to tell my story,I could see the shock in everyone's eyes.In bridgette's eyes i could see that she had compassion for me...that it hurt her to know i was raped...this made me cry more.After that day,bridgette would find me at whatever event we were serving at and check in with me.It felt good because i came with a youthgroup that i never go to and where i knew no one,leaders wouldn't talk with me either.The whole week i had been ignored/forgotten.THEY LEFT ME AT TACO BELL!!!!It was rediculous...and it just felt so good to have someone care and check in with me.Before SOS ended i got bridgettes contact info to keep in touch and gave her a hug.She gave me the verse philemon 1:3-7 which is 3Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.4I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, 5because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. 6I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. 7Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.........This really made me feel good.I'm glad i had shared my story.At sos i bought a book on God and sex.After i came home from the missions trip i started reading it..one chapter was on sex in marriage and how it's better if you wait,how you'd be hurting yourself and future husband if you have premarital sex...ect...it made me feel like crapt.... i kept getting upset about the rape.I kept crying,and asking myself "if i am truely healed and forgiven then why am i still cring about the rape when i hear about sex in marriage."Of course flashbacks will occur time to time and things will remind me of the rape...but seriously...this bugged me and i knew that this was NOT all over....i needed to face my triggers.I'd cry constantly.Trying to do EVERYTHING under the sun that could help me...I researched stuff on google.post traumatic stress disorder ( rape trauma syndrome ):flashbacks are apart of that....I got down to the bottom of my triggers.I found out what made me upset.I realized that hearing about sex in marriage made me feel like it was too late for me....(bc i wanted to have sex in marriage,and i feel like jared[the guy who raped me] ruined it for me.)i had become a secondary virgin.I finally got fed up with everything and said "who cares...I'm unpure now.".....i started watching the show degrassi:the next generation.On it there is this christian girl named Darcy edwards who was raped....and she goes crazy like i was and giving up,she threw off her purity ring,cut herself,went to counseling...ect....OF COURSE i missed the episode where darcy get's healed.... :( but....i knew that i needed counseling or something....i just didnt know where to turn to,until last sunday august 9th.The sermon was on sex in marriage.At the end of the sermon they asked that if anyone wanted to take a stand for purity to please come up to the front.So i went...i wasnt even sure why....bc i was giving up but something inside of me just made me go up to the front.we bowed our heads to pray and i felt a hand go on my shoulder....i didnt know who it was....Afterwards i thought id talk to the pastor about it all.Then i ran into a lady named dawn who is on the prayer team.I told her Everything.She then said...."it's strange...when i walked up front to pray i kept hearing the word cleansing from god and then i put my hand on you."................i freaked out!!!I was like that is so awesome!!!(bc at sos i learned that i am a paryer worrior and a modern prophesizer...and that when we'd listen for god and what he has to say about ppl i was always right on....i had never had anybody ever hear anyhting from god about me)I'm so glad i met her...she told me about this group called Theophostics.It's where im scheduled to go in and sit and talk with a couple people on the theophostics team.And we sit and listen for god...what he has to say about what we are dealing with.Which i love listening for God.I start August 20th at 4:30 p.m.I'm very excited.I have healed but not fully healed.I still must face many challenges.School starts Tuesday August 18, 2009.....The challenges i face are.....


Flashbacks---which i have learned to handle kind of....everytime i have a flashback i try to replace it with the thought that it was a time in my life where God helped me and provided for me and from the whole situation i grew.


seeing him at school----I still don't know what to do.


I keep worring that i will see him in the hallway and freak out.I dont want to be running down to the counselors offfice at school....THEY CHANGED MY COUNSELOR THIS YEAR TOO!!!!!!I'm still kinda mad......bc now this counselor knows NOTHING about what happened to me...ugh...
I'm worring about my counselor not letting me go home if need be,that she wont understand and will make me sit in class and cry.

I'm scared....I wanna run....I dont wanna have to face Jared at school....he lied and told me he was a man of god but he was not.He was just a liar,that wanted to have sex.It's hard knowing that he doesnt care how much he hurt me....and that i was just a one night stand.Sex wasn't special or what i expected.It was boring and uncomfortable...but mainly not my choice.But what happened;happened.There's no way he can return what he stole.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvOTkLzTq5s