It's been a while.....

In August....I went to a Theophostics group at Vineyard.It did not go well at all.I chose not to go back.It just made me feel worse....Then for a couple weeks i felt VERY tempted...I was about to give up EVERYTHING with the mind set "I don't care,I am just going to go out and have sex.I just don't care anymore..."....I was believing MANY of satans horrible lies.....I let them all get to me.Then well....i didn't do anything physical but i did make another mistake.I was so weak.I was DOING EVERYTHING I COULD.I kept talking and praying to god for strength and he randomly handed it to me one night.It was SO awesome.I asked God to hold my hand and he did....i could just feel it...i was listening to the song "i need you" by david crowder band.and then i sat up and God gave me this quick image of me in a box...I was trapped....and i was looking for a way out..and very confused....but at the same time he was holding my hand...and he said to me "You can't get out of the box Until you listen to me." i then felt this HUGE BURST of refreshment inside of me and strength...I felt renewed and SO GOOD!!!!!oh it was amazing.Then he told me that he was right there with me and that he wasnt gonna leave me.and he said "I'M HERE FOR YOU"(bc i have been so alone and i rely on other people alot....)I started to do well then....I then decided it was time for a purity ring.So i just decided that the one that my dad gave me for christmas my freshman year would be my purity ring since i have no money to go buy one.so now I have a purity ring.A friend asked me the other day..."What does your purity ring mean to you?"...at first i just laughed and was like idk....so it really made me think...what does it mean to me....so i thought about it.I just keep feeling like it doesnt meant anything....i feel that it would have been more special as a purity ring if i wouldnt have already lost my virginity.The ring has 2dimonds,a pink heart,and then 2 more dimonds....The heart reminds me that I still have a heart for jesus....and that a man should PROTECT my heart...not destroy it.The dimonds stand for me as a treasure...I'm god's special jewel.And that if i obey him i can shine just like them.It's wearing it kinda...but i try to remind myself that i am renewed,and that i belong to christ...I NEED TO GET THE STRONG THOUGHT IN MY HEAD that being the hands and feet of jesus mean sooooooooo much....i belong to him!!!I don't even own me....i was made in the image of Jesus.....and that i was bought at a price and that he loves me!!!and that i hurt him when i hurt myself by doing those things...and that...well the world does not know him bc they dont see him...the only way they can see him is thru me and other christians...How will people know!?....It's just so hard...Lately I've been letting the rapist get to me....bc of all the girls he's with....in a way im jealous...idk why....(i mean i had a relationship with him at one point...but idk...i really did love him....but not for the right reasons..)i know i cant go back with him...hes HORRIBLE and i deserve better.The desire in my heart is to be with a christian man someday....but sometimes it just seems hopeless and then i feel called to be single forever....idk...i have SO many mixed feelings again.maybe i need to write a list of what i deserve.(should do that.)Lately my motivation is dead..its like oh jesus....usually im like SO PUMPED FOR JESUS AND IM GOD HAPPY...i gotta stop basing things on feelings too...bc they are just feelings..
I know that i will always need encouragement from other people...but I WANT THE MAJORITY OF IT FROM GOD!!!I know i can't rely on no one else and he is the only one who can save me.I'm just really struggling...i can feel myself spiritually dying....its SO WEIRD AND HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!.....I CANT STAND THIS!!!!I dont know what to do...it upsets me...but its like i dont have enough strength to pick myself up and motivate me to read my bible,journal....
Irritating...

but I am Healed...I've learned that there will always be something that reminds me of him....that maybe upset me...but i just gotta keep telling myself that it was a time when god helped me in my life. :-) Anyone reading this...Please Pray for my spirtual life..I really need it.