Back to healing

I'm not going to tell my whole story on my blog unless someone really needs to hear it because SO MUCH happened spiritually,phsycially,mentally,emotionally,that it would take a very long amount of time to explain.The main purpose of this blog is to write about how i am Recovering NOW.If you would like to know about the rape,i would be more than happy to share,but i will not until a request would be made.During the school year in May 2009,i was having a really hard time dealing with the rape.I thought I would never heal,but during the end of May and thru out the summer i have healed incredibly with God.It was a rough summer.I barely had any accountability,but through that God was teaching me that i will not always have someone to keep me accountable/give me advice and that i have to learn to run straight to him.It was hard,but i ran to him with arms wide open mainly because i had NO ONE else to go to,and i knew i could trust him.During the summer i healed to an amount that i was satisfied with,and just tried to push the rest aside.I then went on a missions trip to Cincinatti,Ohio called SOS,where we were asked to share the hardest thing we had ever been thru in our lives.I wasn't going to lie or pick something that wasnt really the hardes thing i have ever been thru...so i told my story to a group of people during an exercise we did called Being the difference.All the people in my group were strangers except for one girl that came from the Vineyard youth group who i have known since Junior high.Our group leaders name was Bridgette.When i told my story...I started to cry...the girl I've known since junior high put her arm around me and just held me.(i didn't expect her to do that...she is really popular at school and im not..and idk..I just never thought her and i would ever talk.)...as she held me...bridgette went and got me some tissues.As i continued to tell my story,I could see the shock in everyone's eyes.In bridgette's eyes i could see that she had compassion for me...that it hurt her to know i was raped...this made me cry more.After that day,bridgette would find me at whatever event we were serving at and check in with me.It felt good because i came with a youthgroup that i never go to and where i knew no one,leaders wouldn't talk with me either.The whole week i had been ignored/forgotten.THEY LEFT ME AT TACO BELL!!!!It was rediculous...and it just felt so good to have someone care and check in with me.Before SOS ended i got bridgettes contact info to keep in touch and gave her a hug.She gave me the verse philemon 1:3-7 which is 3Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.4I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, 5because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. 6I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. 7Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.........This really made me feel good.I'm glad i had shared my story.At sos i bought a book on God and sex.After i came home from the missions trip i started reading it..one chapter was on sex in marriage and how it's better if you wait,how you'd be hurting yourself and future husband if you have premarital sex...ect...it made me feel like crapt.... i kept getting upset about the rape.I kept crying,and asking myself "if i am truely healed and forgiven then why am i still cring about the rape when i hear about sex in marriage."Of course flashbacks will occur time to time and things will remind me of the rape...but seriously...this bugged me and i knew that this was NOT all over....i needed to face my triggers.I'd cry constantly.Trying to do EVERYTHING under the sun that could help me...I researched stuff on google.post traumatic stress disorder ( rape trauma syndrome ):flashbacks are apart of that....I got down to the bottom of my triggers.I found out what made me upset.I realized that hearing about sex in marriage made me feel like it was too late for me....(bc i wanted to have sex in marriage,and i feel like jared[the guy who raped me] ruined it for me.)i had become a secondary virgin.I finally got fed up with everything and said "who cares...I'm unpure now.".....i started watching the show degrassi:the next generation.On it there is this christian girl named Darcy edwards who was raped....and she goes crazy like i was and giving up,she threw off her purity ring,cut herself,went to counseling...ect....OF COURSE i missed the episode where darcy get's healed.... :( but....i knew that i needed counseling or something....i just didnt know where to turn to,until last sunday august 9th.The sermon was on sex in marriage.At the end of the sermon they asked that if anyone wanted to take a stand for purity to please come up to the front.So i went...i wasnt even sure why....bc i was giving up but something inside of me just made me go up to the front.we bowed our heads to pray and i felt a hand go on my shoulder....i didnt know who it was....Afterwards i thought id talk to the pastor about it all.Then i ran into a lady named dawn who is on the prayer team.I told her Everything.She then said...."it's strange...when i walked up front to pray i kept hearing the word cleansing from god and then i put my hand on you."................i freaked out!!!I was like that is so awesome!!!(bc at sos i learned that i am a paryer worrior and a modern prophesizer...and that when we'd listen for god and what he has to say about ppl i was always right on....i had never had anybody ever hear anyhting from god about me)I'm so glad i met her...she told me about this group called Theophostics.It's where im scheduled to go in and sit and talk with a couple people on the theophostics team.And we sit and listen for god...what he has to say about what we are dealing with.Which i love listening for God.I start August 20th at 4:30 p.m.I'm very excited.I have healed but not fully healed.I still must face many challenges.School starts Tuesday August 18, 2009.....The challenges i face are.....


Flashbacks---which i have learned to handle kind of....everytime i have a flashback i try to replace it with the thought that it was a time in my life where God helped me and provided for me and from the whole situation i grew.


seeing him at school----I still don't know what to do.


I keep worring that i will see him in the hallway and freak out.I dont want to be running down to the counselors offfice at school....THEY CHANGED MY COUNSELOR THIS YEAR TOO!!!!!!I'm still kinda mad......bc now this counselor knows NOTHING about what happened to me...ugh...
I'm worring about my counselor not letting me go home if need be,that she wont understand and will make me sit in class and cry.

I'm scared....I wanna run....I dont wanna have to face Jared at school....he lied and told me he was a man of god but he was not.He was just a liar,that wanted to have sex.It's hard knowing that he doesnt care how much he hurt me....and that i was just a one night stand.Sex wasn't special or what i expected.It was boring and uncomfortable...but mainly not my choice.But what happened;happened.There's no way he can return what he stole.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvOTkLzTq5s